Gemini's Journey

stupid stupid stupid

It seems I tend to write the most when I'm pissed and when life is highly frustrating, or to share good news, which does happen from time to time.

Well, I'm pissed and so I felt the need to write . The muse stirs in me when life throws me oranges and lemons (both of which I don't like much).

I've been kind. I've been giving. I've been understanding. I'm not anymore. I'm tired. I don't care and I'm refuse to be understanding for the 100th time about the same shit.

So the 2nd cell phone gets turned off permanently the end of this month! And with any luck I'll get a new phone, which I'm in desperate need of, but I'll have to crunch the numbers first.

See, even now I'm not nearly as upset as I was. I think I shall play some online. Maybe go soak in the tub.

Jordan and his family are out of town, won't be back until Tuesday eveningish, so I'm watching the house. Pretending, for a few days at least, that I have my own place. Although this house is too big for just me and 2 cats and a rabbit. It's a rather empty house and I'm ready for them to be home! As I understand it they seem to be having a pretty good time in Cali.

With luck this will be my last full week of no work. Which is what sparked the fight with my ex to begin with. I crunched the numbers and if I spend no money at all between now and when my car payment is due, with the exception of bills due before then, I'll be a little short of my car payment. This sucks and does me no good. So I asked when money would be sent my way and all hell broke loose. Most of which isn't worth reliving here. Bottom line, I'm cleaning my stuff out of the storage unit within the next month, I'm turning the other cell phone off at the end of the month (which was planned already), and I can count on getting no more help on my car payments, although that won't hurt so much, because I've hardly gotten any help from him about that as it is. $500 down payment, plus $340(monthly payments) x4 = $1860/2 = $930 of which I've probably received half of that. This doesn't even include the $75 a month Cartoys bill for the $1500 stereo in his car plus half of the cell phone bill. We're writing off the cell phone bill because I haven't paid him for the storage unit, which is what, $50 a month which would make what I owe him $25 a month, the cell phone bill is $100 for 2 phones, making his half $50, he's still coming out on top. I'm still getting the ass end of this deal. Keep in mind that I also have to pay my bills on time, because I can't stand late fees and like it when creditors AREN'T calling me, I've been through that, I'm trying to avoid it. He, however, will put money in my account when he feels like it and the amount will vary from time to time. So In the past 4 months since we broke up I haven't bothered to count any money from him into my budget. And I've managed to pay everything on time without him. 2 weeks off, thankfully not back to back, has screwed me over though. No work = No pay and that makes things a little stressful. Why are all my bills due at the beginning of the month? Oh well, I'm just glad I'm not paying his car insurance anymore.

Things weren't supposed to end this ugly. I have my perception on how things are with him, plus his track record, and he has his own ideas about me. Yeah, that big number you saw in my checking account the other week, by the following Tuesday, it was all gone, to bills.

This isn't a woe is me thing about money. I'm managing, and as long as I can find another job come August, I'll be ok.

But it's all ok Kippers, you keep texting your new girlfriend on my cell phone, with my cell phone bill. Enjoy the last few weeks of a free ride. Who knows, maybe she'll get you a cell phone when yours gets turned off.

For me, I have a boyfriend that loves me, mind, body and soul. I have friends that stick by me no matter what and help keep me on my feet, and hopefully they do so because they know I'm good for it and don't enjoy free loading off of them. (Although, I'll admit, some days/weeks are better than others.) I have a good car that runs well. I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head. I'm thankful I don't live in my car and that I am able to make ends meet, some how. :)

Karma is a bitch. I know it is, I keep it in mind with every thing I say and do, and sure I stumble sometimes and things come flying back into my face. But through this whole thing with him, I'm not sure what I could have done to him that would cause him to feel the need to remind me as well.

We're pushing 30, I think it's time to grow up and take responsibilities for our own actions. Not avoid them or push them off on other people. 

Now What?

I'm sitting here at work...really just waiting for someone to come home so I can go home, just to get to sleep by midnight and be up again at 7am to work until 5:30ish at one job to head to another at 6pm and do that job unitl Sunday around 2pmish...joy of joys. I have to pay the bill some how.

In the mean time I'm on the prowl. Really don't know why. Realizing that when one posts an honest ad in some silly personals a lot of insane non-communicative people pop out. They email you pictures of themselves (thankfully nothing obscene yet..) What they fail to send is some sort of conversation starter...my profile is anything but sparse, plenty of questions could be asked to show interest. On Plenty of Fish I get practically zero response. It's the Poly thing, isn't it? Well, I'm not gonna lie about it. Should I go into more detail? Explaining that I'm not in fact looking to have a ton of multiple partners? That I'm looking for that person to be with me through those oh too many lonely nights? Someone else to help fill the time? (Does that sound as bad as I think it does?) I love my boyfriend. I'm IN love with him. He's amazing and wonderful and can't get enough of me. It's mind boggling really. The down fall? I can't have him every night. I'm lucky to get one full night a week with him. I'm selfish, I want every night, I can't have it and know it and respect it. So I'm seeking balance. (Actually that's a REALLY good way of explaining it.) Balance. I'll bore of this soon and delete all profiles and chalk it up to the gods. Disappointment is not an option. I'm happy, most of the time. Want to be happy all of the time, or at least more of the time.

See me, stumbbling in the dark, looking for a light and a candle? Some people make friends so easily. It's weird to think of how it is I know the people I know. I don't want my life ubber busy, but ... I need something different... I just don't know anymore. And maybe that's my problem. I see the lives of those around me and wish for that, but what is that exactly that I wish for. And really, are the lives I see of those around me something I've made up in my head?

I start so many things and finish very few of them. I lose interest, motivation. My dreams are big. Maybe I'm just so full of heart ache that I feel I shouldn't be allowed to love completely anymore. I'm doomed to go to bed alone almost every night. I miss his touch the moment he leaves the room and I crave it until he's back. Sometimes it's hours, other times it's days. And I continue to question why I do this to myself.

I have no work and no real plans for Monday and Tuesday. This is good and bad. Good in that I need some time off. Bad in that I REALLY need the money. Job searching SUCKS!

Ack! This has not turned into a woe is me blog, has it?

Good things:
Bills are paid.
Roof over head. (Goddess I love you Rose!)
I'm not starving, thanks to those that feed me. :)
I have a nice working vehicle that allows me to continue doing my job as a Nanny.
I have an amazing boyfriend that practically worships the ground I walk on, which is something I may never get used to.
My cats still love me.
I believe I'm somewhat attractive and any guy would be damned lucky to have me, if only they'd take the time to get to know me.
I LOVE Northern Colorado.

That is all...for now...

Summer & Work

So I think the copywriting job is a bust. :( Oh well. Life goes on and chances are I'll never see the money from it. Writing such things isn't easy, but what's even more difficult is showing the end product to the client and them questioning whether they could have written the same thing in less time for free...if you thought that originally then why did you hire me?

See, the client gives me notes, very rough notes, they tell me what they are looking for and I take said notes and make it all sound pretty and professional and such. It takes about 3 drafts. (I really should have taken that technical writing class in college...) I think in the future I'll attach all 3 drafts plus the original notes. Because it really hit me hard when my work was summed up by my client as simply adding a few words to the notes they'd given me. Really?! A misplaced word could make or break a deal. I pulled out all my old texts to make sure my phrasing was done correctly and the punctuation was correct. I'm the one with the degree in English, that's why you came to me.

So I'm on the hunt again. My resume for childcare is out there on the interwebs. Sittercity.com and Care.com. Mikey and Carson won't need me come Fall and I'll need work. Car payments don't make themselves. :P I love my nanny work. It's flexible, and I'm not stuck at a desk 5 days a week 8 plus hours a day. Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least then I'd know for sure that I'd be getting my full hours. But with the way my brain works I'm better off not working in an office. I do better as a nanny or a freelancer. I need at least $10 an hour and I want full time work. Or at least 3 full days of work a week.

I could take a course in copywriting and possibly walk out of there with clients paying up front in large sums, but who's got an extra $300-500 laying around? Not I. My portfolio is very tiny and at the moment my resources very limited. I have mad office skills, if only people would get over this whole idea of needing to be in this business professional dress. I can look pretty damned classy in jeans and a great shirt. Plus I'm more comfortable and I'll get more work done that way. Is unemployment an option? Not really, bad enough I'm contemplating food stamps. Even if I went to Wendy's and managed to some how to get a full time job there, at what, crappy minimum wage? That would sink me into a terrible depression and I'd still barely scrape by.

I want to be at a place where I can afford my own place. Or at least my own rent on a room. I'm just not there yet. Bills total to $700 a month and some how I manage to make it. Kippers has been of little help. He pays me $100 every few weeks when it fits his fancy. He picks and chooses which texts he'll acknowledge he's received from me. So I refuse to calculate that into money I have, because it's unreliable. He promised to deposit some money the end of last week, it's now Tuesday and still nothing... so yeah. Rot.

Things are good for the most part. Something is missing, I can feel it, can't place my finger on what exactly though.

My craftiness is picking up. Rose and I have been painting a lot, as soon as I finish one I'll take a pic and post it. I've also gotten back into cross-stitching and want to start making my own line of hand made cards. Possibly open up my Etsy site and see how that goes, just to supplement my income some.

Going to do my best to make the one week this month and another next month that I don't work and really get cracking on things.

Was hoping to make a road trip out to Utah, but not sure I'll have the funds for it. Want to see my sister and my new niece. We'll see. Maybe I'll get lucky.

Summer Reading Program

I'm volunteering at the library this summer. 2 hours a day 2 days a week for the Summer Reading Program (SRP). It's for ages 0 to 199.

Children learn from a young age to love and respect books. They love being read to and seeing the colorful fanciful pictures they contain. Young adults seem to enjoy it for the escape from their own reality, or finding novels that relate to their own lives and realizing they aren't the only ones that feel the way they do. And adults, we read for many reasons.

Every parent that stops to sign up their child from the SRP I encourage to sign themselves up. It's easy, simply 5 hours a month worth of reading. There is no reading log for the adults. It's on an honor system. Reading is not limited to novels. It's anything you read, from your newspaper to your emails. The junk mail we receive daily in the mail and the tens of memos you receive from co-workers. The news letters your children bring home from school and activities of the like. We read menus, street signs, construction warnings, bumper stickers along with the billboards we pass as we travel down the road. In essence we read well more than 5 hours a month, we probably read at least that much in a week.

I've wanted many a child create games based on books they've read. It sparks the imagination and inspires new ways of thinking. Find a child, grab a book and read. Turn off the TV. It's summer and the possibilities are endless. Money is tight all over this nation, find free/cheap educational entertainment.

Sometimes I think I've filled my plate too full by volunteering not one day but two at the library. It's worth it. Every time I'm there I'm thanked for helping out. We make it possible for the Librarian's to focus more on their main jobs instead of answering the same age old questions concerning the SRP.

It's an easy job for me and I'm always more than happy to help others with anything they may need, if I have the information. I feel I cannot limit my duties simply by my 'job description'. That's just silly. I wonder why others have volunteered their time. One woman I work with has been volunteering at the library for a while now, not just for the SRP. Her children are grown and she enjoys helping where she can. She's a real joy to work with. However, another I work with, we'll call her Jan, I'm really uncertain why she chose to volunteer at the library for the SRP. It's apparent she's bored and lonely. Her children are grown and they will not have any grandbabies for her. She has no computer skills though and seems bent on doing only her job and nothing more.

It's great that she's finding things to do with all her spare time but I feel she'd be more satisfied volunteering elsewhere. She doesn't even enjoy reading that much. Apparently it's been years since she last picked up a book. ...Wait, what?! You've volunteered for the Summer READING Program and you don't like reading? Why are you even in the library? … Ok, so it's never to late to pick up the habit again and maybe this will do her good. But she doesn't explain to the patrons why she sends them to the kiosk to sign up for the program instead of her doing it herself. If it's more than one or two people signing up it's easier for them to do it themselves on the computer and then come back for me to explain everything. (Think about it, if you don't know how to spell Dannemiller and you had to type it into the computer 3 times wouldn't it be faster if they did it themselves?) But she just points without asking how many and sends them on their way. Of course, I watched Jan yesterday try to enroll 2 children into they system because their mom was too busy and OMG, someone get her AWAY from that laptop! This woman doesn't even have an email address. She's not old enough to be my grandmother, in fact, at most she's 60. Ok, no biggie...I think, but not knowing what minimizing means? She refuses to leave the SRP page because she doesn't know how to get back. Honestly I'm not even sure she'd know where to go. I'm a multi tasking freak so I've got several tabs open in IE (The bane of my existence.)

I find it very easy to piss this woman off. I don't do it on purpose and she pretends that she's just giving me a hard time, but she's not, she's serious. I'm learning to just shut my mouth when she tries to help someone. We've been at this for over 3 weeks now, she too volunteers 2 days a week and yet she still trips over her words and doesn't have a routine on how to set people up and ask them questions. This shall all become very entertaining once we start handing out prizes to the children and she starts interrogating them on what they've read.

Gift or sin?

If we are made of the gods, how can we be a sin? It is unthinkable that we should be brought into this world a sin. The body is a gift from the gods, not a curse. We should embrace it and celebrate it in all its forms and beauty.

I need to write

I need to express to the world what's going on with me. I need to write my mother and my grandmother. I need to finish this copywriting work so I can get paid and with luck have another steady flow of income that's salaried so I can budget better what I'll be making each month. I need to write, write and write some more.

Me:
Respite weekend went well. Jordan's kids get along GREAT with the Cain's. Zach seems to enjoy Ashley's company very much and Randy and Lindsey play very well together. Made the weekend a lot easier, because all the kids were entertained and weren't in my hair bored out of their brains.

I got my car payment in on time. :) Yay, one down about a thousand more to go. Ok, so there are 12 months in a year and I'm going to be paying on my car for about 5 years, or was it 5 1/2, so 12x5 is...60, so 1 down 59 more to go? Yeah, English Majors can do math, just not very quickly. (At least I didn't pull out the calculator, which is on a quick link in my start menu!)

I now have my own car insurance! $75 a month for full coverage and I no longer have to deal with Kippers and his 3 cars on his insurance.

Made reservations last week at Peak to Peak up in Estes Park, CO for my birthday weekend. It's just Saturday night, but should be a lot of fun. Speaking of which, having a part on the 22nd of May for my birthday, which happens to fall on a Friday this year! Let the silliness commence. Jordan has sent the invites out (thanks FaceBook and your ability to send out mass messages to select good friends). My birthday weekend is rather busy. Mom, dad, Bella and John will be driving in from Utah on their way to Missouri on Thursday the 21st. So I'll be spending the night with them in a hotel and enjoying the pool with my niece and nephew. :) Then Friday I work late afternoon, at least I think I do, Carson just has a half day that day and it's his birthday too, so I may or may not be working at all that day. 7pm the party will start (although, knowing me, I'll be there early and start a little early, but then I'm the birthday girl!) Haven't had a party/celebration for my birthday in years. Just looking forward to getting goofy with friends. Good friends, good music and good drinks. :) Figure I'll be crashing out by 1am because Jordan and I want to leave for Estes Saturday morning around 8am so we are up there by 9 or 9:30, just in time for the shops to open. There is also an art festival going on near the strip, so that will be fun to walk through. Then a nice romantic evening at a lodge a little off the beaten trail in Estes. With luck we'll have a balcony room, they really want to save those for 2 or more nights. But they do have good size fridges in the rooms, so we'll be able to bring drinks and snacks with us. I'm just very excited to have so much planned around my birthday. My mom always tried to make them special for me when I was growing up, but has I got older and moved away from home, those that I've dated seemed to miss it, or just not care to plan ahead of time. Jordan and I have been talking about this trip for my birthday for several weeks now. And with the room reserved it's pretty much a set deal now. :)

The meeting last week with Denise went really well. With any luck, by the end of the summer I may very well be the lead copywriter for Moxie Marketing Group. :) Right now Rose and I are working as contractors for her and setting things up. We're looking at turning this into 30-40 hours a week job. :) I get to expand my writing abilities, use my degree for something and add to my portfolio. Plus in a few months I might find myself with my own desk in an office throwing fuzzy things or chocolate at Rose. :D We work that well together.

Meeting with Jordan and working on our business plan went well too. Rose has several pages worth of notes. Now we need to sit down, divide the work up between the two of us and get writing. If we can't get grants we're gonna try to at least get an interest free loan. It's a solid plan, and the numbers we've researched look good.

I no longer feel like my life is slipping through my fingers and I'm just barely afloat. I still have my moments and always will I suppose. But if this work with Moxie Group kicks off then I'll be making enough to actually look at getting my own apartment. I realized yesterday that as much as I hate living alone, it's more of the fact that I hate being alone. I've always dreamt of having my own place. Decorated to fit me and a place where I can do what I want when I want without explaining it to anyone. So if I have the urge to run around naked at 2am I can. :P My cats my look at my strange, but I still could if I wanted to. I'm also excited about the possibility of one day owning my own home. Or finding a small house that I can rent for the rest of my life. I finally have that full circle of friends that allows me to no longer feel this huge gap of emptiness in me. I don't feel alone and lost anymore. It's nice. The prospect of working with Rose at Moxie is awesome and getting our own business of the ground it great. I really feel like life is getting really good and may very well stay that way. There will always be some bumps in the road, but for the most part, things are good.

Jordan is amazing. Everyday is a new day and we connect more and more. Every moment is cherished and even the small things seem so big. The hugs, the kisses, the touches, the smiles and looks in ones eye. The calming affect we have on one another and the smiling neither of us can seem to stop doing. 

Work, People, Dreams

I need more hours. Always more hours. I do have some good things headed my way, at least it looks like it might be. I feel really good about it.

I have two business meetings on Wed that will help determine a lot of things.

The first is with Rose and Denise. Rose is an amazing Graphics Designer, she loves making peoples visions reality and I, I am a copywriter, of sorts, at least that's what I'm trying to get into more. Denise, she needs us both for a marketing newsletter she wants to do. This is very exciting and if all goes well could be very promising. :)

That same evening Rose & I are meeting with Jordan to build a business plan for The Gypsy Room, INC. We've come to realize that what we want to do and how we were trying to do it just wasn't gonna work. Ultimately that path we were gonna take we believe would have led to epic fail. So now we are planning on building a well thought out business plan (which is where Jordan comes in, he's awesome like that) and hoping to find capital to get this business off the ground.

I also need to freshen my Nanny resume and get that posted soon. This is in hoping that I find a good nanny job for the Fall that with luck I'll be able to keep for several years and help pay the bills better.

Right now money is tight, tighter than tight really. Lots of reasons for it. I have a $340 car payment to make every month now, which is the brunt of my money woes. This wouldn't be nearly as big of a problem as it is if a certain someone had bothered to get his shit together in a more timely manner so he wouldn't have been out of work for 2 weeks and hence unable to pay he part of what he agreed to pay. Oh well, I stressed major of it, did a ton of number crunching, pushed some bills back, squeezed things around and with luck I'll still be ok. Respite weekend is this weekend, and that will help a ton. (Note to self, email Marie!) (Done!)

Planning on getting my own car insurance next week after I get paid. One less thing I have to worry about Kippers failing to help take care of, then he can drive around on his own without car insurance. I can't afford to do that.

I am loved. It's evident by many countless things. It's evident by the roof the Manchester's have so freely put over my head. The food they feed me. The care they give my cats. (Must clean out the litter box when I get home.) The gas they put in my car. The many phone calls they've taken and the bitching they've listened to. It's evident by the friendship the Beard's have given me. Welcoming me into their home. Making me a part of their life. Cindy is amazing, may all the gods, which ever you follow, bless her. For Cindy has given me the greatest gift any woman can and for that I'm grateful beyond words and believe I could never express in any form just how blessed I feel.

I am loved. I am loved by my cats that always manage to find their way back to my bed every night, and all day, as the case may be. Despite all the moving and my not being home as much as they would like, they love me still and show it.

I am loved by Rose. Yes, she's one of the Manchester's, but she's my best friend. She's my confidant. She's my rock and my safe place. She can NEVER be replaced. I have found only one other that can fill the same roll she does, and that only recently, he gives me the things she cannot. I am loved by Jordan. They both have seen me in my best and worst moments. Again, I cannot express how grateful I am for them either. They keep me sane. They keep me grounded. And they keep me focused. They are my constant reminders that it's worth it to get up in the morning and keep moving forward. Jordan not only points out the beauty that I have, but constantly reminds me of it. I have not smiled so much in all my life. I have never heard words so sweet, nor seen such sincerity in a man's eyes as I do with Jordan. The private moments we share are magical. There is no doubt in my mind about it.

I am blessed. 

Marriage

I find it interesting that more and more people are just going to the court house, picking up marriage license paperwork, signing it and being done with it. Sign a piece of paper, and instantly you're married. No announcements, no ceremony, no celebration. Really?

Although, who am I to talk about marriage? I've been married in Provo, Utah, sending announcements out 2 days before the wedding. Then married in Hawaii, that was the full blown deal, announcements ahead of time, the wedding dress and rented tux, both families gathered together, had a reception and a night in a really nice hotel we'd picked out ahead of time. The 3rd was in Vegas. Yeah, it was planned though, just me, him and his folks. Quiet and simple. But at least every time there was cause for celebration and there was some form of ceremony.

Next, if there ever is a next time, I'm keeping it simple. It doesn't even have to be legally binding. Just a handfasting surrounding by close friends and family. A dedication to the one you love. Pure and simple.

See, here in Colorado you can be your own witness. Which is cool, but in the past month or so I've known 2 different couples now who simply just picked up the paper work, signed it and handed it back in. Period. How boring. How sad. I can understanding not wanting a lot of pomp and circumstance, but don't you want to celebrate your love and dedication to someone with something other than a signed piece of paper?

I'm going camping next time. Gonna celebrate my love to the one I love in the woods surrounded by close friends. Not in some cold building that gives little feeling and the sound of traffic outside that just reminds me of the frustrations of the world.

I think it sad that people don't celebrate anymore. And we can celebrate without going in the hole. I don't want a huge expensive event. Just a drive up into the mountains, possibly have to pay to get into a park and then away we go. Simple as that.

Makes me sad. But then, maybe I'm bitter. Have I lost hope in the idea of 'marriage'? Perhaps I'm jaded. I know a man, that perhaps someday I'd love to exchange vows with, if only to say to the world that I love him and cherish him and promise to stand by him and I do so in front of all those we love and care for. That day may never come, and for now, I'm ok with that too. Time will tell all things.

Happiness comes in all sizes

I'm watching Carson today. Tuesdays are insane for me, have to be at work at 7:30am and normally don't leave until 5:30pm if not later, sometimes I get lucky and it's a little earlier. As a lovely surprise I'm sitting at Pump It Up while Carson wears himself out, a bonus? His friend Mason is here, so he's very pleased!

Life is good. I can say that again. I can stop writing emo blogs about how shitty things are and how messed up things have been with Kippers. I'll still talk about how messed up things are with him, but it no longer depresses me and I've moved on rather well from it all. I've come to realize that our relationship as a couple ended a long time ago, he just never bothered to inform me. So I do not feel guilty in the least to inform everyone that I'm seeing a new guy (Jordan). A wonderful man that I want to brag to everyone about. I can't stop smiling! Everyone around me has seen a huge improvement in me since I've started seeing him. And Rose couldn't be happier. For once she's not giving me crap for being dorky about him, all she can do is giggle and smile and tell me how happy she is for me. That and how happy she is to finally see me truly happy. :)

Living with Rose and Matt in their room hasn't been that bad. It's good really. I have my own section, which we are soon to put up a privacy curtain for me. We're getting everything moved out of Kippers' place and soon will be making my corner more of a home for me. I spend a lot of time with Jordan at his house with his family, and with work lately I'm hardly home. I come home in time to crawl into bed and watch a few episodes of Stargate: SG1 with Rose and Matt and then I crash. Only to wake up in the morning and do it all over again. I'm learning to live on less sleep. But I'm also discovering that if I only get 6 hours my body really craves a nap around 11am or so. :P I'm learning to deal without that too.

I'm loving my new car. Still no pics. It's supposed to rain/snow off and on this week, so no point in washing my car to take pics just to have to wash it again next week. Although I have to admit I really hate driving around with it dirty! I love the gas mileage and the way she handles. I managed to get the full $500 on my own for the down payment and as long as Kippers keeps his end of the deal I should be fine for my first car payment too. (If I plan things just right I should be fine without his help too, which is honestly the point because he's not dependable on much of anything.

Saturday I was supposed to go help him pack up our old place. Planned on meeting him there at 10:30am. Text him at 10am to tell him I was on my with with the boys (it was respite weekend). He tried to push things back an hour. I was pissed. We'd made plans. It's not my fault that he didn't get to bed until 5am (which is normal at this rate) and that his hand was killing him (again, normal). The place has to be packed up and cleared out by this Wed, we don't have time to waste. I was like, I'm coming over now or I'm not coming at all today. Took the boys to the park near the house and had them play while I played the texting game with him. His new thing was there. He wanted more sleep. I told him to just go over to her place and sleep while I just packed up as much of my stuff as I could. I couldn't get into the place until noon! Really?! It took him that long to get out. He was washing dishes and trying to hide evidence of her 'living' there. The boys were hungry and needed to use the restroom by the time we got there. I was only able to stay for about 2.5 hours because by then the boys were going stir crazy. I didn't get as much done as I would have liked and I couldn't have the boys help. Too emotionally draining as it was, trying to delegate work to them would have been hell for me. So we got back to the boys home around 3pm. Told Kippers I'd stop by after work on Sunday to pack some more. Honestly, by the time I got done with work, I didn't want to go anywhere but home and bed. But I was a good girl and went over anyway. Thankfully Kippers was in Denver, so I had the place to myself. Turned on the playlist Jordan had made for me and packed up my computer desk. I'm leaving the desk itself there. I love it, but it's been taken apart and put back together too many times, don't think it'll survive if I do it again. Packed up my Italian Silk Painting of the four seasons my mom gave me, along with my other framed work. Put those in my car, they are being stored at Rose's for safe keeping. Packed the car with things that can't/don't want to be stored in the storage unit. I left around 4pm.

Jordan left town with his family Wed afternoon for Cali, they got back around 4pm Sunday. It was such a wonderful day that I decided to head over to the big park next to his house and sit under a tree and read a book and enjoy the day. It was wonderful. Was nice to realize that I'm an adult with my own car and have the freedom to enjoy myself. And knowing that this weeks weather was gonna be icky, I decided to really take advantage of the day. Around 5:30 Jordan met me at the park. It was great to snuggle and see him. He brought me shells from the beach, can't wait to see the pics they took. I spent all evening with him and his family. We chilled in the Lounge (Detached Garage used for social gatherings) and we listened to the playlist I made him while he was gone. It was wonderful. Sat there snuggling, singing along. He knows Neil Diamond, not only that but can sing along to the songs! Didn't get home until after 11pm.

Life is good. I'm busy like crazy. I still have a WoW account, but don't have a lot of time anymore to get on and play. I finally have a social life and it's wonderful. I feel like I did back in college, always busy, always with friends and life is good. At times I feel like I'm back in high school, only this time it's better because I'm older and wiser and the HS drama isn't there. It's all the good stuff with very little of the not so good stuff. 

Update from the planet Gemini

Well, most of my stuff is still at Aaron's. Joy of joys. Everyday is no longer a struggle.
It's just a part of life.
We live, we learn, we move on.
Moving on is hard.
Fear of repeating the same shit is constantly looming over me.
I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
I've reached a point that even if he begged me back, I'd say no. I couldn't say that a week ago. Maybe not even 3 days ago.
I'm exploring new things.
I've got amazing friends who have been wonderful to me.
So life is weird because I'm living in my best friend's bedroom. It's weird because she's married, so I share a room with her and her husband...yeah. :P You could easily fit 2 king size beds and a queen and still have walking room. As it is we've got a King and a Queen bed in here now. I get the corner. The cats are adjusting. Tabbers instantly thought she owned the house and Monty (who now only answers to his pet name Monsters) is still trying to be friends with Gaia, Rose's cat, who wants NOTHING to do with him and he just WON'T get the bloody picture! :P It's cute and frustrating all at the same time. So in this lovely house we have too scared and stupid dog that lives in the downstairs bathroom (it's his room really), 3 cats (two of which are mine) 4 kids (2, 5, 6, 15) and 3 adults!
I'm now in an open relationship. "What?!" you say? Yeah, it's different. He's married. His wife loves me, and his family is great. And really, right now, this is exactly what I need. Jordan reminds me about how wonderful I am. Shows me how I should be treated and makes me feel not only needed, but wanted. It's great because there is no rush, no stress about moving things to a new level. I get the attention I crave in a relationship without the added stress of regular relationships. Jordan knows exactly where I am right now in my life. He's helped me through this shit with Aaron. Showed me that I was in fact putting up with a lot of crap from Aaron that I shouldn't be. Sometimes it takes someone treating you how you should and want to be treated in order for you to realize just how poorly you were being treated.

So I was left and he is now with Vicky, the one he's wanted since he first met her. The one he said he wasn't interested in. The one he kept talking to while telling me he doesn't know why she keeps texting him. But now I receive texts from her asking, "Are you trying to get Aaron back?" Is she already that insecure in her relationship with him? Simply put, Karma is a bitch, do not piss her off.
I have a new car. And yes, it's now mine. Well, really it's the banks, but still, I get to drive it and make car payments on it and it's like an adult car, a real adult car. The kind you could take downtown to somewhere fancy and step out in a 3 piece suit and her is some amazing evening dress and had the valet the key that only unlocks the drivers door and starts the car, while you keep the cool key that locks and unlocks everything, with a push of a button! It's a 2004 S60 AWD Volvo 2.5T. It's Ash Gold and here soon I'll get pics posted, she needs a bath after the snow we had last week. The kids I care for love it, and I enjoy driving it. Driven more the past week than I have in a long time, but when the ride is so smooth and the mileage is so wonderful, I look for almost any excuse I can to drive her. This is starting to pass, but yeah, it's the joys of a new car. That and I never really thought I'd get such a new car so soon. The good news, I know I can afford the payments on my own, thanks to Rose and my living in this house rent free. Aaron says he's gonna help me pay for it though. I'm paying like $330 a month for it, so if I could get him to pay me $200 and I pay in $300 every month, that's like $500 a month on the car, which will get it paid off a hell of a lot faster. :) The dealership was WONDERFUL, really put themselves on the line to keep me in this car. I've been driving it for a little over a week now. I didn't find out until Friday evening that the bank had officially approved the loan. Hence my not saying anything until now.

I got a phone call yesterday from Kendra, she'll be 5 the end of this month! I met her when she was 3. I miss her. At least she still likes to call me and misses me and loves me. It made me cry when I got off the phone, but considering I hadn't heard or seen her in 2 1/2 weeks, it's understandable.

I'm discovering that as time goes by, when I start really looking for that one person to share life with, I'm gonna be damned picky, and well, at this rate, not sure I'm gonna find it. I don't expect Mr. Perfect, because I know I'm not, but I'm not going to sacrifice me for just anyone. The ad will read something along the lines of this is me, think you can handle that? Going to bed alone sucks. But I'm not going to settle for just any warm body either. I come with baggage, issues, and really insane past. But I know these things, I address them, handle them as best I can and am honest about them to those around me. I'm also full of love and despite my many heart breaks, disappointments and frustrations with relationships I know that I'll put my heart out there on the line again and take that risk, because that's who I am. Try as I might, I just can't build a huge wall around my heart and block everything out. Sometimes I wish I could, but I can't. It's just not who I am.

I'm managing. I'm keeping busy. I'm trying to get back into some sort of normalcy and live my life for me. I'm going to discover selfishness and make sure that my needs are met. Make sure everyone's needs are met.