Why is it that the heart hurts so much when it feels betrayed? And why can't we simply just get over it and move on?
It's easy to sit on the outside of things and say how simple it should be, and here are the things one should do to move on. But sitting on the inside, it's different. I think my parents marriage of 28 years is finally ending. And on their anniversary no less.
The problem? Things starting going bad a long time ago and instead of trying to work on them then, confronting them head on and going it together when the love was still there, it was left alone and all it did as get bigger and worse to the point that now, any love that my father once had is gone. He has turned his heart off and I doubt he'll turn it back on.
I feel so wronged by all of this. This is seriously messed up. If he no longer loves her he needs to stop getting into bed with her, all it does is make her think that maybe, just maybe, he'll roll over and hold her. If he's stopped loving her he needs to get the hell out. If he still cares at least about her well being he needs to help her get help on dealing with this. But he doesn't. He thinks that this is all her fault and she's the one that needs to change and fix things, he's the hurt party here, as far as he's concerned. Please. It takes two.
I'm tired. I keep thinking about wanting Andy to come back, to call me and tell me that he's really coming back this time. But then I realize that here, in this house, I don't want him here. I don't want to be here. I want out. For the first time I'm longing to get out of this house not because I feel confined but because I feel like I'm living in hell. This festering boil that won't heal. A gaping wound forever getting bigger and nastier. Scabbing over just to be torn open again. These aren't my wounds and yet I feel them.
I have my own wounds I'm trying to deal with and the two are starting to overlap, which is bad. I need to be able to focus on my needs without all this static in this house.
I started day dreaming about my life in CO. But I keep putting Andy in there too. I keep thinking 3 years from now where will I be. I don't know why 3. But it always ends with Andy and I back together. I'm not sure how healthy it is. I believe it's good that I'm not trying to picture this in the immediate future. That I know is probably unrealistic.
I want to turn back time. To back before I left for my trip to Utah, or maybe to right after I got back from my trip. And I want to change things. But I can't. I know that. So I've been looking at all the things I've done between then and when Andy left for the coast. And after he got there. I really didn't handle this long distance relationship thing very well. And we broke up and that tore me up bad. But I looked at things and realized my behavior was out of line. We got back together and I've worked hard at doing better. Being honest with myself and with Andy. Analyzing my feelings before I try to express them. And sometimes some things just aren't enough. And other times, it's not that they aren't enough it's that one needs their own time to re-evaluate where they are in life and where they are going and what they want. And as much as you want to do that with them, they need/want to do it on their own. And it hurts. But I'm trying to understand and just keeping the doors open for possibilities.
I know I can't sit around and do nothing. The fact of the matter is my folks are making sure that I don't. So now my fear is making the wrong choice. But of the choices I have are any of them the wrong one? I don't know what the future holds. I know where my heart is and a part of me wishes it wasn't there, but it is, so my choices are harder to make. Because I don't want to hurt my heart anymore than I already have.
So do I stay here and get my own place in Springfield? I have a good
steady job here and a few friends that I would like to get to know better.
Do
I quit my job here and move to CO in hopes of getting a better paying job so I
can live close to my best friend and eventually us start a business together?
Which is very exciting and scary.
Or do I do the unthinkable and find a place
to stay on the Coast and get a job down there so I can be close to someone who,
right now, doesn't want me there? (Guess that answers that question, doesn't
it?)
Of these the first is the simplest. The down fall is that it will be
harder to save any kind of money to move to CO if I eventually decide that is in
fact what I want to do. On my salary I'll be hard pressed to have any extra
spending money once the bills are paid anyway.
The second choice is full of
excitement and possibilities. But scares the hell out of me.
The third is me
wanting to follow my heart. This idea, although romantic in movies and such, can
have a very reverse effect of what one was hoping for. The dream would be to get
down there and for the one that has your heart (Whether he wants it or not is
irrelevant at this point.) realizes that he truly does love you and wants you in
his life but wants his friends as well, and seeing as you're now there he can
have the best of both worlds. (And they all live happily ever after.) The
non-movie ending is, you get down there, he realizes that yes, in fact, he
doesn't want you there, and so now you're there and you see him everywhere and
can't have him, thus breaking your heart all over again, which this time you did
to yourself. So you think about moving again, but your funds are low and so you
pick yourself up and you do the best you can with the situation that you've
given yourself. (Because at least this time it's a situation you've gotten
yourself into all on your own. pretty much.)
So blah blah blah, that's what I've been thinking about lately. And I'm not sure if anyone is going to take the time to read all this crap. :P Much less give me their two cents on it. In the end I have to make my own choice, I know this, but for once I'm trying to look at all side fully before I make a choice. (Although the longer I'm in the house the faster I just want to buy a plane ticket to anywhere.)
